September 27, 2015 § 1 Comment
We had an unusually busy summer this year with lots of travel, lots of change and lots of heartache.
Looking back on the beginning of the year, I guess I should’ve known the Lord may have been preparing us for a new season. I was enjoying the rich season of prayer with Him so when the winds changed, I was a little blindsided. I never thought we’d walk through the loss we experienced this summer, but I think every woman must think that.
Towards the end of June, we were delighted to find out we were expecting baby number 3 into our clan. However the dreams we had for this child quickly dissipated within a few short weeks. About two weeks after we learned of our gift, we walked through loss.
Having been there for other friends that have also experienced miscarriage, I thought that I would surely have been more “prepared” but honestly I don’t think any parent is ever at a place of being ready for the loss of a child.
For me personally, I was shocked at how completely raw and deep the pain went, for this tiny bean, only 4-6 weeks in my womb.
But this child existed. They had lived, even though the days were short, they were still numbered by the Lord, and He knew all the secret parts of this child that we never held.
“My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139: 15-16
Psalm 139 is one of my favorites, speaking of how we are made, and how He thinks of us. I needed to read this and be reminded of His mindfulness of us. Of each child, even the ones that see heaven before us.
I learned much walking through miscarriage. Much about pain, loss, grief, sin, compassion, understanding, God, and a host of other things that are continually changing me.
I learned that grief and loss do change you. That you probably won’t ever go back to who you were prior to it. But I’m learning that’s okay.
In fact it’s good. God can bring good from anything. This was hard to see, and know when we knew we wouldn’t see this child’s face. But as the days passed, and we shared our loss with our boys, said goodbye to our third child, and grieved quietly with close friends and family, the Lord continued to meet me. He continued to be balm to my hurt. Through gifts from friends, the arms of my husband, the words of other moms that have experienced the deep heartache we were right in the thick of, He brought good in the midst of it. I remembered praying for women (friends, sisters in Christ) that had miscarriages, and now being in the same place I suddenly had new understanding. Even though it’s a painful place to be, my heart has been opened in ways that it just wasn’t before. How I mother, how I pray for others, how I see children has become different, and it’s good.
One thing that I continue to grapple with is hope.
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.” Psalm 42:5
I still find that I struggle with this, when I see other pregnant women, and again remember the loss of our own. It’s still painful, but I am learning where and Who my hope is. When He chooses to give us gifts we will praise Him! But when those gifts are taken away, it’s hard to keep praising. Yet I will continue to hope in God. Because His Word says to.
I am so thankful for what the Lord has been teaching me this year. Since the start of the year I have been journaling, and I continued to even through this loss. There were days that it was one of the most painful things to write down what I would have rather denied, but it helped in the healing. I found my voice again, speaking in prayer, through pen and paper. Words. So may words that I’ve shared with the Lord, so many words He has shared with me in His Word. As I’ve journaled I’ve also been drawing words, scripture, quotes, songs and it’s been part of the healing He has given me.
I am so grateful that God knows me, and knows what will keep me close to Him, and what will help me heal. That gives me much hope, that He is working even though I cannot always see.