May 23, 2011 § 2 Comments
And He spoke.
I’m not even sure where to begin writing what has taken place. How can I write how faithful God is? How do I find the words to say that prayer works. He listens. He answers. He hears our heart cries, our sadness, our desires, our hopes, our passions. He cares. He provides, He comforts. He surprises.
He surprised me.
Yesterday was a long day. It was a tough day. After months of praying and wondering what we would do when our contracts were due, yesterday was it. The final day for them to be signed and turned in. That was it. Final decision signed on the line, and another year was sealed. Easy right?
No, not so easy.
Let me rewind a few months. Around the time I was pregnant actually.
I started to pray then for a way I could be home with Oliver. Please, somehow, someway Lord, provide a way.
Move ahead to this year when Jonah and I started praying together for clarity, for a very obvious decision concerning our upcoming contracts.
How much prayer went into this exactly? I can’t even really comprehend it as it was on my heart constantly. Not only were we praying but we had friends and family praying for us along the way. We had others fasting for us. How powerful is that?
When Thursday- contract day- rolled around we were sure about our decisions. At least we thought so.
For Jonah, it was clear he would sign. For me, it was clear we had absolutely no idea what to do.
The night before Jonah and I sat and talked through what the upcoming year looked like. Financially it just wasn’t going to work. So there you go. Right?
I was praying that whatever Jonah felt was best for us, I would, with joy, accept that for our family. I was willing to work. No I didn’t want to. But I was willing to follow my husband, and trust his judgement. He is the God given leader of our home and I embrace that, and pray for him as he does lead.
But my heart desired to be home with Oliver. More than I even knew. I say that last thought because I didn’t realize exactly how deeply I desired this until we made the decision that I would continue to stay and work another year. Putting voice to our thoughts was powerful. Saying I would work was my undoing. Oh, how I prayed for the right heart. I honestly didn’t feel my heart was in the wrong place , towards Jonah or his decisions. But my heart knew that it wanted to be at home raising our son, being a wife, a mom, my calling. The deep sobs that escaped me came from a place I tucked away. It was from that place in me that was where my hopes and desires collided, and the place only God could see. This is what came to the surface that night.
That was Wednesday.
Thursday rolled around and my contract was still in it’s envelope, in the basket in our kitchen.
Jonah had his and turned it in, signed.
But I kept mine home with me. Both of us were unsure of what decision we should make.
It was a long day. It was a miserable day.
I knew that we’d have to make a decision and what it would be was hard. Back to work. Away from our son. Away from that desire, until another time, day, year?
So I asked for prayer, for both of us.
Friends prayed, and I felt it. I was under so much depression, anxiety, sadness on that day that I almost felt like I was suffocating. God! I cried, Where are you??
Where is our answer? The clarity we asked for? The right decision to be obvious? Did you forget about us? Are you not hearing me anymore? Is my desire wrong? Did I miss it? Am I wanting and praying for the wrong thing? Help me! Can you help me to have the right heart for this decision? God?
It was a day filled with tears. Oh, that day was an opening my soul kind of day.
Once Jonah came home we sat and talked.
How was your day? he asked. To which I replied with all honesty, Terrible.
I told him how it went. I told him about my struggle. But I also told him I wanted and was trying so hard to accept the decision we had made for me to go back to work. And I was going to. As hard as it was, I was determined to follow and obey, trusting this was the answer. Even in all my confusion over what God was doing I was willing.
And then he said, Do you want to hear about my day?
And he began.
He had spent the day fasting. Fasting for us and this decision. What did God want for us? What did God want for me to do?
And then he said the most beautiful words I could’ve ever heard, they came from him, but they came from Jesus down to me….
Carrie, I want you to stay home with Oliver next year.
One more time?
You know that feeling when someone just hands you the moon? Yah, I didn’t either until that moment.
After all this time of praying, God heard me. God was listening. God was providing an answer all along.
Yes, looking at our budget we do not see a way. We do not see the finances working out. We don’t see it!
But I shout, I rejoice, I lift up my hands in worship for what a powerful, mighty God we serve. He will provide for us. And you know why? Because He spoke to us. He heard our cries and He answered. And I am trusting Him in a powerful way to provide.
My faith has taken a new step and I am crying for tears of joy at this gift- my hearts desire, my passions being fulfilled. I don’t deserve it. But He gave it anyways.
And oh the peace that rested on me at that point. It’s still here too. A quiet joy. This is it God, this is where I am supposed to be, this is the right answer.
Oh blessed hope we have in a Saviour that hears us and answers!
One song that keeps coming back to my mind and heart, and was also a strong reminder to me back in January:
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are
In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high