spoken heart

May 6, 2011 § Leave a comment

Today is a big day.

Because….I am reaching the final point that I have been prayerfully asking a decision for. Work. To stay home, to go back. To do both.

I have clearly felt the response from God that I need to be home with Oliver. This is also combined with my great desire to do this.

I have struggled back and forth with my desire and what God is clearly telling me, and wanting me to do. It’s been a crazy juggling act going on in my mind.

Debt. Finances. Bills. These are things that won’t go away. These are very vital things in our lives that must be met. We need to pay off our debts, we need to pay our monthly bills. It’s our responsiblity to do this. And I have been very much aware of this as I seeked to find the right answer for our contract renewals.

Now here we are.

The contracts have been placed in our inboxes at work. We now have a count down to sign and return.

What will I sign on that line that asks, ” Will you be returning?”.

Today I meet with my boss to discuss next year. My husband will be with me in this casual, yet very life changing meeting.

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I have been listening and searching for so long that I wanted to post what’s been going on in my heart.

I have been struggling with the idea that I have only been focused on my desires. And I prayed that I wouldn’t make a decision selfishly. That I would wisely come to a solid answer. That Jonah would lead and I would follow. Even if this meant reaching a decision I may not want.

Desire. This one word has been brought up again and again. Is it selfish to want to live out your desire? Your hearts cry, should you listen?

I recently listened to a message by John Piper that spoke directly on this topic. His points were quite interesting and lead me to believe that God does want to meet our desires. But are those desires His? Are we selfishly justifying something in our lives? The one thing I took away from his message was that we are to seek with wisdom what our desires should be.

I am seeking His wisdom. I am encouraged that He wants me to meet my desires,  and I am also in turn praying for my desires to be filled with wisdom.

Does this make sense? Maybe I am sounding even more confusing as I ramble out my hearts words…

On the drive into work I heard a song on the radio I haven’t heard in a long time, but it’s considered an ‘oldie’, not even that old, but I haven’t heard it in a while.

The words are as follows:
He made the lame walk and the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits while His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me

And the line , “He knows our deepest desperate need”, speaks to me, speaks through me.

Speaking this out today.

Oh God, you are so majestic. You are so all knowing. You know my heart, my desires. My one desire above all else is to serve You. Let this always be my first question in every situation and in every turn in my life. Trusting in You, and Your Holy Spirit to lead. I’m excited to see what exactly You have for us now, on this day, for this year.


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