a mommy’s selfish heart.

February 28, 2011 § Leave a comment

It rained tonight. Really rained. The kind of rain that comes in sheets, sets off the tornado sirens and makes you peak outside with a pounding heart. It was an appropriate end to a day deemed rain-worthy.

I’ve been having a hard time lately. Spiritually I felt like I was under a covering. Much like the rain clouds that moved in tonight, I felt cloudy spiritually. The darkness hid my Light. I felt like I couldn’t get past myself to see or hear Him. Amazing how this happens so quickly. One big thing was causing this rift.

Oliver.

I find it hard to even say that. No it’s not his fault, it’s my fault. My son is precious to me. He is a joy to us. We love him and cherish him, and thank God for choosing us to be his parents. But I have been chosen too. When I chose to believe that Jesus died for my sins, and forgave me and I asked Him to come dwell in my heart I was then chosen  to be the voice of Jesus. To be His hands, His feet, His mouth. This is something that has been made known to me in a very real and life changing way this year. So when the opportunity to be a part of a mission trip to the Dominican Republic came, of course I jumped at the chance right?

Wrong. Of course I didn’t. What a wimp am I? My thoughts immediately going to my sweet son. He would be just over a year at that point. Too young. I couldn’t possibly leave him for the 9 days the trip would be. And so it went. I was asked again. And again. But of course, I said no.

Then I prayed. I asked God for an answer in this. And I felt that I needed to go. Crazy? A little….at least I thought that one or two more times.

So I said yes.

Then the doubt came. The fear, the sadness. Leaving Oliver? For 9 days? How could I do that? What kind of a mom does this? He’ll have to be weaned, he’ll have to be somewhere he isn’t used to, his schedule will be by someone else, he’ll be fed and put to bed by someone else. His food- I won’t be preparing his meals, will he be eating all solids by then? Will he be crawling, walking?

And on and on it goes until my mind felt like it would explode with doubts. I’m amazed at how all-consuming one little boy suddenly became. And no it’s not wrong to love him, to want to protect him, and watch out for him, this tiny little man. But my heart felt far from God. I felt angry. How could you ask me to leave my son God? I had somehow put Oliver in front of God.

Then it rained. At the end of this long, somewhat tiring day, the rain came and ended and throughout it, something in me changed. I had prayed for all those doubts today. I prayed them to be released one by one. And as they came back I prayed again. I asked God to take my doubt and fear and replace it with a burden for those in the DR. For those on the trip.

And in answer to the very doubts:

Yes, I’ll be gone for 9 days. But I will be with my husband and a group of kids that are excitedly preparing for this trip, prayerfully and willingly ready to see what God has in store. And Oliver will be with his grandparents. Dear people that love him. Dear people that raised my own loving husband. They love God, and they live by His Word, and set a faithful example time and time again. Who else but family, would be the best choice to watch him? His schedule will be fine. He’ll be one. He’ll be more independent than he is now. He’s too young to remember everything and 9 days will not change his whole life. He’ll be okay with new meals. He’ll experience different kinds of food that I may not give him, but it won’t kill him, it will grow him. He’ll be loved on each day and night as he goes to bed, he’ll know he’s loved, and not forsaken. He’ll do okay for the 9 days. His mommy and daddy will miss him terribly but he’ll be loved by his grandparents, aunt and uncle, great grandma and family in the meantime. He’ll have a blast. And he’ll be thrilled to see Jonah and I when we return.

And tonight as the rained cleared, my heart felt lighter. It was like the veil was opened, I could breath easier, I could feel His presence around me again. What love there is in His presence. He understands my hurts, and even in my wimpy human failings He loves me and knows how He can use me. I struggle with this. Use me? What do I have to offer? I have a willing heart. I pray that there is true genuine love and hunger for Him. He has a purpose for me to go on this trip. I need to go. I need to grow. I need to let Him lead me.

I don’t know what this trip entails. I don’t even speak spanish. Not a single word. Well, maybe one or two. But I don’t think  ‘Hola’ will get me far.

All I know is this is what He has planned for Jonah and I. Oliver will be okay. He will be loved,  and well cared for, and above all, He will be held safe in Jesus arms. I know this in my heart, and I’m praying that my mind will catch up to that fact.

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